7 Days

Its been 7 days since I was given the worst, yet most gracious gift, I could have ever been given. 

The gift of {another} bomb. The biggest bomb yet. 

I had seen these gifts in my life before, but this bomb was the bomb that would leave me rendered completely helpless. The beautiful bomb that ripped me from my misery, the prison of my own mind, of self-reliance and achievement, and gave me a new shot at this thing called life. 

The shattering. To the point where I could not pick up my own pieces. I could not fix the mess. 

The bomb that {finally} forced Reliance on my Creator. Full reliance.  

Being raised in church, and once again finding my eyes looking up over the past few years, I 'knew' that there was freedom in Christ. And trust me, I was trying to understand that. And have that.

But that's the point. I was trying.  

There is a difference between trying, and doing. Or being brought to the point where you can't do either.

You see, I do things. I get shit done. and I check my boxes.

It's pretty hard to check the box that says 'grace' and 'relying on God.' Its an oxymoron. You can't check that box because in order to check that box, you have to have DONE IT. YOU being the key word. 

That is what I was missing. 

For someone who is sooo good at picking up her own pieces time and time again, it feels insane to find peace in somehow not cleaning up my own mess, this time.  And 

Living in the freedom of letting it all go, and seeing the mess from above- there is understanding in that sweet surrender.

I have been graciously saved from my Trying.

The Good Good Father came and found me. He sought me out. Giving me bomb after bomb, each one drawing me closer to actually KNOWING HIM. Knowing exactly what it would take to call me home. To call me His. Knowing full well the pain that would be involved, over and over again, but also knowing fully well the beauty that would come from the shattered bombs. The gifts of calling me home.

Knowing what is best for me, even when it hurts me - The Good Father. 

And this is a story of that. The pursuit of my life for 36 years. How a lukewarm christian, raised in the church, once walked away from it all, and was called home over and over again until finally- learning to -rest.